You know that feeling you get when something's missing; that pit in your stomach that just won't go away? That is the feeling I had when I woke up on Monday morning and realized it had been 4 years since I had looked my sister in her "root beer" eyes. Four years since I hugged her frail body... 4 years since I shared a Diet Coke with my best friend. It took a little more energy to get out of bed that day. It struck me hard when I thought about her babies and how much they must miss their mom each and everyday. I thought of my mom and dad and how devastating it must have been to lose their first born way too early. I thought of my brother and sister and prayed hard that their bodies would not fail them; that they could keep pushing through the hardballs that Cystic Fibrosis throws their way. I thought of all of the things I should have told her and how I should have been a better sister and friend.
And then I stopped.
As tears flowed down my cheeks and made droplets on my pillow, I STOPPED fearing, I STOPPED regretting, and I STOPPED longing for what I could not change. Faith filled the hole that fear had burned in my soul and I STARTED reminiscing on the wonderful and beautiful things in my life.
I know I will see April again someday, but until then I will snuggle her babies close to feel her spirit. I will look into Ashlyn's "root beer" eyes and see joy. I will snuggle Easton's frail little 9 year old body and feel joy. I will remember April's LIFE and I will feel joy.
